new beginning

it's belated. i know. third month of the year and i'm talking about a new beginning.

anyway, it's something that i needed. i need a fresh start. for the past couple of months, i've been down in the dumps. depression seems too serious a word but i'm not too far off, i'm sure.

having this injury, forcing this break on me is worse than i ever expected it to be. at first, i thought i could treat it as a long break from work. i thought it's an opportunity for me to sit back and relax. how very, very wrong.

all this injury has done for me is impair my sight and shatter my confidence to pieces.

you see, i was in a hurry. all through life, i've always been in a hurry to get somewhere, to be someone. now this episode has put a two month break in my career just when i thought it was actually going somewhere. and it sucks. the worse part? i don't know how long will this last.

anyway, that’s not what this blog is all about. this blog is about a new beginning right? so i’m gonna try and forget all of this disappointment, and try to make things work for me… perhaps, it’s too early to actually claim a new beginning, but i’ll give it a try.

ps: i found out something surprising in this period of time. when i started this blog, i can only write when i’m depressed, frustrated, sad (you get the idea, right?)… my whole blog has a negative aura because of that. but with this incident, i just found out that i could not write in that mood anymore – my blog has taken a positive turn!

i shall end this post with a picture of the kauthar dessert in oman. despite the injury, it was a great experience to be there.

suicide

the blade ran swiftly through my wrists
a red thread blossomed into a stream
as it flowed, the cross washed away
with eyes closed, i drift with a smile

2008 - year of revolution

no, there wasn't a spelling mistake in the title. no, you will not be reading another list of new year resolutions from me - if it is, then it'll be kinda late dun you think?

this is part of the thought that has been messing up my mind lately. over the past years, i've always had ideas of who i am and who i wanna be. ideas of my principal which i've held onto. ideas, ideas and more ideas. so far, all these ideas start with something like - i will not... i won't... i never...

passive. it's always something that i will not do and i'll have the reason why i choose not to do it. i've decided that this year, it's gotta change. i've gotta take some action to change the man in the mirror. no more ideals. no more playing on the safe side.

i need to be more passionate about life. and not just my life. i need to be more passionate about the world revolving around me. about the ppl around me.

it's the year for change and action.

blank message...

there's so many things going through my mind right now - where i am, where i've been, what i want to do, what i should have done...

i wanted to write everything out here but my mind is in such a mess i can't seem to construct anything at all. so i'm just leaving a blank msg and hope - hope that someone could see through this msg to help me out. get me out of this state of mind. i need passion in my life again.

2007 in a glance...

i dun think there was a year that defined my life more than 2007. here's a glance of the highs and lows which probably defined the direction of my future...

started the year with mixed feelings - final semester, final year project going well, good job prospects on the horizon, unfortunately, family not doing too well...

on the family front, things were mostly out of my control. all i could do was to be there for my parents when they needed me the most. my father's health condition, fortunately, was getting better... right now, that's the only thing that matters...

on things that i could control... ended my degree with a bang - final semester with gpa of 4.0, top student with cgpa of 3.93 (not bragging, really), final year project completed on time (kinda rushed though), plenty of job offers coming in... the most pleasing one i have to say is the interview that i had with alex yoong despite the fact that it was not a fruitful interview, sadly...

on things unexpected... i had my 30 minutes of fame on 8tv in a program called dare to dream. had cameras around me for about 3 days and made me feel like a tv star, hahaha... i guess that's what you call a once in a lifetime experience... felt good...

on things about love... i just fancy starting each paragraph like that although it doesn't really make sense... i asked cl to move in with me... although our relationship wasn't quite mature for that, but it turned out to be a great move... she bonded really well with my parents, especially my mum which was more than i could ask for...

on things about fun... i left malaysia for the first time on a trip to bali with cl... it was a 4 day 3 night vacation where we stayed at hard rock hotel along kuta beach... it's our first real vacation together and it was loads of fun! we had the trip after we handed in our thesis so we were able to spend our time without any burden on our minds... the whole trip was especially relaxing given the pressure that we've had throughout the final sem where we barely had time to breathe...

on things about career... i finally decided on which offer to take (actually that final decision came only a few days ago, but still)... initially i wasn't convinced about my decision but cl stood by me all the time... and know, with everything that has been happening, the decision seems to be the only logic decision left... and because of my job, i moved out of my home for 23 years and travelled east to a small town called kemaman... went to brunei for 5 days for a lab introduction training before going of on the greatest adventure yet - oman... stayed in kauther, oman for 2 months... it's the first time ever that i left malaysia for that long... had a great experience, met wonderful ppl...

on things about fate... my eye injury... this injury decided a lot of things for me really... it's unfortunate, but it brought me to a stop... i was rushing all the while to get somewhere... now i guess, this injury gives me the opportunity to slow things down... to look carefully and to think hard about where my life is taking me next...

on things about faith... the prayer that got me through the oman adventure (i said it's an adventure, but i never said it was easy!) - dear god, please give me the strength and courage to face tomorrow, the patience and the humility to learn, the foresight and determination to overcome obstacles... and most of all, please lead me home safely...

on things about the future... i do not know what lays ahead of me, but i do know that i have to face it no matter what... there is no way that i will turn my back and run from my future - good or bad... i just have to swallow my fears, hold back my nerves and take one step at a time... it'll be tough, that is for sure... but either way, i have to move forward - i have no choice...

ps: i have seen too many hollywood movies where the character gets injured/ knocked down/ faces a huge obstacle and they put together a 15 minute clip of that particular character working against all odds with a heroic soundtrack to overcome whatever he or she is against... sadly, reality ain't that easy and smooth... that 15 minutes ain't 15 minutes at all and there is a huge possibility the ending ain't all sweet and happy...

-Happy New Year! Let's face 2008 with a smile on our face!-

**edit - sorry, this just slipped my mind**

on things about friends... pretty much everyone i know started on their own journey to chase their dream career - the beginning of a new chapter... jason finally found out what the big deal was about having a gf, hehehe... jacky has graduated and is one step away from becoming a practicing lawyer... and kam... well, my year is nothing compared to his - studies, career, family... i guess the only thing i can say is that everything happens for a reason and i take my hat off for you bro for staying so strong and sane throughout it all... well, 2008 is a brand new start to us all huh?

1930 hours, 14th december 2007

a moment that changed my life to a degree that i still could not comprehend. i do not know how to start this blog, but i'll just give it my best shot...

i was working in kauther, oman when this incident occured. i'll not go into details of what we were doing but during the operation, i had some caustic soda splashed into my left eye. right now, my vision is blurred due to the damage of the alkali burn on my cornea. the doctors said that the healing is progressing positively but none of them could say how much my vision could improve. the fact that i could still see was good enough news for them.

the good news is, the doctors think i have a great chance to recover. the bad news, my life has to be on a halt. i was supposed to attend school on the 20th of January which is about three weeks away. however, there is major doubt that i could actually recover in time for that.

i really can't find the words to describe my feelings right now...

i'll keep this post short since i'm not supposed to spend to long in front of my pc. but before i go, i would really like to thank everyone of the frac04 crew of oman for taking care of me after the accident. i know this incident brought around a lot of trouble to the crew, i'm truly sorry for that. oman has generally been a good experience for me. great opportunity, wonderful people. it's just too bad that it has to end like this.

anyway, i'm home right now and i've never been so glad to be in the comfort of my own room at night...

early birthday present!

i wasn't expecting to be around for my birthday. i'm still not expecting to be around for my birthday now.

so, my mum bought me an early birthday gift! it's the complete collection of calvin and hobbes!!!

happy happy... =)

my face is something like calvin's in the picture above when i opened the wrapping and saw what's inside...

happy happy... =)

from brunei with love...

it's been a while since i last wrote here. between then and now, life's been a roller coaster ride... one moment, i'm on top of the world and everything is going my way, the next, i'm down in the gutter... but it's been a good experience for me... i'm still trying to convince myself that... =)

anyway, the picture above is me at the door of the slb base in kemaman (warehouse 29). that's where i work!

i took the picture the day before i was supposed to go to abu dhabi for school (or so i thought). anyway, a couple of days and some complications later - school was cancelled and i'm back in kemaman. i dun wanna go through the whole thing here as i might end up offending someone i'm not supposed to... hahaha... it's been a bad dream all along...

anyway, that's all in the past now. i'm over that now (also still trying to convince myself of this)... =)

as you can see in the picture, i'm in brunei! i'll be staying at the swiss hotel apartment from the 28th of october till the 2nd of november. i'm here for some lab training purpose and so far so good...

brunei's pretty similar to malaysia. can't really compare it to kl and it might be unfair as well since i'm in kuala belait which is about 90 minutes away from the city centre. so far, it has more similarities to kemaman instead. except for the currency which makes everything so, so expensive.

so...

i know my posts these couple of times dun really have any flow in it and it doesn't really sound like me but blame it on the job. my minds been crazy and everywhere.

right now, the plan for me from brunei is to get back to kl before going to oman for about 10 weeks for HIT (high intensity training) and then from there, i'll probably get back to kl for about a week or so before leaving to abu dhabi again for school.

seems pretty hectic huh?

anyway, that's the plan right now. it might go on smoothly or it might change at any moment now.

i dunno. my emotions been up and down. excited. nervous. scared. hopeful. everything.

i'm just looking forward to tomorrow and taking each day as it comes. that's a good philosophy which i'm never able to stick to.

talk to me about tomorrow, i'll start thinking about next month. talk to me about next month, i'll start thinking about next year.

yup. that's just me.

embracing the future

at times i do worry that i've forgotten the real reason i came here. the real reason i've chosen slb to start my career.

i've paid so much attention on the small issues that i've forgotten that i'm here to be an engineer. i'm here to build myself, my personality to be someone stronger, wiser...

i've forgotten that i'm here to learn... to be a student and to open my eyes to see the world around me. i know this sounds cliche, but in the naivety upon graduation, these were my ideals...

i've paid so much attention on the fact that i'm away from home, away from my family, my loved ones... paid so much attention on the future and planning for the future that all this has distracted me and blinded me from the present...

maybe in years to come, i'll look back at this ideal mindset of mine and think of it all as pure crap. but for now, i need these to be my goal... i need these to have something to look forward to...

the light at the end of the tunnel if you like...

dun get me wrong - i miss my home. i miss my family like hell. but i can't go on living like this, holding myself back. i'll be home one day. it's just a matter of time.

bistro cottage

i'm blogging from this bistro cottage that provides free wireless connection somewhere along the beach of cherating. it's the second time i'm here now, so this time i'm here fully equipped with my laptop, webcam, earphone and mic. but... there's no one online... =(

yeah... here i am, waiting (after dinner of course) but there's just no one online or free to chat with me... damn... and right now, there's just approximately 10 mins left on my laptop battery... so i've decided to use this window of opportunity to update my blog...

well, a little bit about this place - it belongs to this malaysian-swiss guy by the name of michael isaac abu bakar. well, he's made this place a cozy little motel. it looks comfortable enough although the location is probably not the best for a tourist... the closest beach is about 10 mins walk away... i've got a snap shot of this place, but i'll upload it later coz the warning sign for me to plug this laptop to power has been out for a couple of minutes now...

so i guess that's my cue to say goodbye and goodnight for today...

ps: work has been a rollercoaster ride for me so far. i'll talk about that later.

time flies

yes it does.

time literally zooms past us, leaving us in its wake. before i even realize what's going on, before i even find my footing in my job, it's already been two months since i first started. and although i must admit it has been a tough beginning for me, but i think i'm getting used to it now. more importantly? i'm looking forward for more... =)

anyway, if everything goes according to schedule, i'll be heading to abu dhabi on the 15th of october for school! yup... i still need to go to school... and before anyone asks me - abu dhabi is 90 minutes drive away from dubai... if you still don't know where that is, find the nearest wall and run into it yeah? hahaha... joking... go look up in the atlas if it helps... =)

anyway, i gotta get back to work now... till next time... have a nice day... =)

analogy

today, i heard a really good analogy used by this guy who's been working in slb for nearly 30 years now... interestingly, i've never heard of anyone describe life like this before... i guess you see life how you wanna see it and you describe it from the way your life has shaped you... and from his stories, it's been tough on him...

"life's like riding a bicycle - too maintain your balance, you just have to keep riding..."

(everyone else who uses "bicycle" would go along the line of once you've learnt how to ride it, you'll never forget it or something like that...)

well , he was talking about how there are just challenges and obstacles out there in the world waiting for us... and how we should face each challenge and never try to run or hide... as soon as we start running, we'll be running for life...

i like his take on life. it might sound a little bit too depressing and it might take the hope out of you, but life's like that. you've gotta take whatever comes your way and you've gotta face life with spirit and zest lest you be blown away like a speck of dust.

field engineer

i'm supposed to add a "trainee" word behind the title, but it'll just make it look so uncool... =)

anyway, that's what i am right now - still a trainee although i do hope to get past that stage really soon... that's if i can get through all the studies and tasks and exams and school and labs and etc etc etc... yup, tons of things to complete so this is gonna be a really short entry... more of a picture blog really... so enjoy...

in the picture below, that's me working on a triplex pump in the yard of the slb kemaman base.

this guy below is my housemate and well, mischief companion - somtochukwu mezie-okoye. hahaha... he's from nigeria and basically we joined slb at the same time so, yeah, we're going through the good and bad times together... =)

and this hardworking girl here is carelia rojas from venezuela. she's actually based in vietnam but sent to kemaman for hit (high intensity training)... we still couldn't figure out why she's in kemaman for that but we're not complaining... the more the merrier right?

i actually left out another trainee here but that's coz all these photo's are taken with somto's new camera and i couldn't find any picture of him... so i'll just introduce him yeah? well, there's another housemate from china by the name of xin yu. no no... it should be dr xin yu - phd holder... i'll try to upload a pic of him later...

yup... that's it... these guys and gal actually made it much more fun to be working here... at least there's someone else going through the same thing with me. that makes me feel so much better... not as lost as i would have been if i were alone, you know?

that's it for now... back to my studies... =(

in the mood for jazz

no, i'm not an expert or anywhere close to being an expert in this genre... in fact, i'm not even an amateur...

about two days ago, i stumbled across some songs by diana krall and it sounded absolutely perfect at that moment... so i've been listening to more songs from her, reading up a little bit and i found out that although she's singing jazz but she'd put an element of rnb or something like that to spice it up...

so i went in search for pure jazz and out comes the name of nat 'king' cole everywhere i looked... and his voice was just sublime...

now... i know i can't judge jazz based on a legend and an artist who mixes things up... but from what minimal amount of jazz i've heard so far, it's pretty cool...

so that got my interest up (but considering how bored i've been, this might lead up to nothing at all) and i'm just interested to get to know jazz a little bit more intimately...

can anyone suggest a good jazz cd for a beginner? i would appreciate that a lot... =)

explanation of "confused"

although i rarely explain my writings/ articles/ poems - whatever you want to call it... but i felt this one warranted an explanation. why?

1) i do not think it is a good piece (in technical terms).

2) i think the flow will confuse many. in fact, there is no flow.

3) i want to explain the title.

basically, right now, i am the one confused. am i happy? am i sad? am i depressed? am i ecstatic?

i have no idea. i am at a junction where i do not see the end of any tunnel that i look into. i do not know my goals. i do not know what i want, if i want anything.

i just have no idea.

i know it seems as though my feelings and "confused" have no connection whatsoever in the words or the reasoning... but i guess you'll just have to look deeper...

confused

confident, bold, smart,
arrogant, egoistic, foolish,
a thine line separates these,
a line almost impossible to see,

foreseeing a new path to create,
aggressive - the only way forward,
not wanting to stay in the shadows,
shining, blinding out the rest,

the wheel of possibilities in hand,
destination in sight over the horizon,
blinded by the voice of the world,
blocked out the reason of the heart,

will you know what's in store?
before you've learnt the past?
the present in not written
yet you rush forward into time

too naive for the world
too raw to see the truth
such arrogance for a virgin
so much dreams, so much hopes

you want to make a difference
you want to force an impact
you want to create a memory
you want to change history

as sure as i was at the top
i am no where to be seen
as sure as i was the best
i am no where to be heard

the time will come for each one of us
to look back and cherish or regret
our actions of the present and future
the choice is in our hands, no one else

thoughts from the office...

how far can the truth be from the imagination? bloody far - heaven and earth... hahaha...

that might sound like an exaggeration and it probably is... but i can't deny that line from crossing my mind...

well, before i graduated and before i came to know about slb, my idea of the working life is going to work, coming home to our own paradise at home and spending some time on things that we enjoy (something, anything not related to work)... as for me, that something is many things in which this blog is one of it...

i enjoy writing. truly. i enjoy the moment when i feel something and i am able to put that feeling down in words and then multiply with flowery words (meaning - exaggeration)... and besides that, there's just so many things which i enjoy spending some time on but i'm not going to go into too much details about that here... maybe another time, another day...

with that said, i do not intend to go to work just because i have to as well. i do intend to go to work, build a career and to make something out of myself. i will not be a mindless zombie following the crowd and the path that has been cleared in front of me...

but i've always figured that there has got to be a balance, get it?

so now. back to reality.

here i am in the office at 730pm blogging. well, i know... at least i can still blog right?

don't get me wrong. i'm not complaining. i did accept this job knowing what the conditions would be right? it's just that after more than 1 month of working 7 days a week from 8 to 530/700/900 (pick one)... well, something feels off, you understand?

but things will get better (i hope). i mean right now, i'm still not capable of handling any jobs... i'm still studying most of the time... still trying to cram everything i can into this very little head of mine... but the time will come when i will be allowed to handle more responsibilities... the time will come when going to work will actually be fun... and most importantly, the time will come when i can take my days off...

oh, i just can't wait...

i'll end this post with a fitting pic of me flying a kite. the "balance", you know? hahaha...

the pic below is taken by cl. location - cherating beach (impiana hotel). beautiful sky eh? truly relaxing to be there... especially with someone you love... =)

working life...

right now, it's been a little more than a month since i started my career here in kemaman. i've gotta say that it's a pretty valuable experience and i've definitely gotta admit it's tough... really tough...

anyway, since i got here, things are starting to look brighter with each passing week... and this is so much so after i came back from my convo last week... the reason - my white ferrari!

yeah! i really gotta thank cl for convincing me to drive back here after my convo... you can't believe how much a car can change things around... the nights just got brighter... =)

so how's work? well, the one thing i really appreciate is the culturally diverse workforce. to put it clearer, i just came back from dinner today and there were 5 of us and each one from a different country - malaysia, brunei, china, venezuela and nigeria. i doubt there will be many company out there capable of creating this kind of workforce.

but personally for me right now, it's still not at the point where the job is exciting yet... probably coz i'm still pretty much studying all the time and i haven't got much opportunity in getting my hands dirty... =)

well, i hope that will all change in the next couple of days coz i'm finally going offshore for the first time! that'll definitely be a moment to savour... since it's my first time... i'm really excited and nervous as well... i don't know how to prepare for it, what to bring and i dun know what to expect of the situation out there... actually, i dun even know how long i'll be there... i've been told it'll be between a week to a month... plus the helicopter ride out to the rig... oh yeah, i'll be working on a rig instead of a platform...

ps: i'm not sure if there's connection on the platform but if there is, i'll definitely try to keep a record of my days there...

...

i suddenly ran out of things to say... actually i've got a couple more things to say but i can't seem to form any sentence... so i think i'll just end my post here and go to bed for tonight... =)

good night everyone...

sweet dreams...

great week...

it's been a great week for me really...

first my convocation which had the bonus of receiving the "anugerah naib canselor" which is basically the best student award... it's been a while since i actually felt so proud of my achievements when i walked the stage to receive the award...

i would like to take this opportunity to thank my parents for putting up with my ocassional weird behaviours, all the lecturers who taught me and left their mark in me, to all my frens (uni and highschool) for being my frens... although most of you will not be reading this, but seriously, all that you did for me will not be forgotten... *this is starting to sound like an acceptance speech so i'll stop here...*

hahaha...

and the next day i'm in the papers (as shown in the previous post)... but i have to say that many of the facts printed were... well.. modified... hahaha... i dun really speak four languages unless you count all the different chinese dialects which will add up to more than four... as for tamil, well... yeah i know a few words... but that's it... now i know how the celebs feel when their words get distorted... hahaha...

and then there was that 8tv show last night... it does make me blush to see myself on tv... and i didn't know i sound so weird and i didn't realize i looked like that when i'm talking! hahaha... but it was good... =)

thanks kam for saying some nice things about me... =)

well, that wraps up the week for me... it's just too bad that i'm all the way here in kemaman and i didn't really have the time to celebrate all this... the weekend that i was back in kl was just too hectic with all the convocation preparations and soon after that i had to come back to work (that's the reason for the simple post previously...)

anyway, i've gotta go now... i'm stealing some time off work to update my blog actually... i do wish i can update my blog with more consistency but it's tough as i do not have connection outside the office these days... so i'll just try my best yeah?

i've only got one convocation picture which was sent to me by choy yee yest... so here it is - chuu liu, jiaxin and myself...

going out with a bang!

finally, after 4 long years, the day of my convocation has come and gone... more updates to follow... =)